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The 2009 boycott of The Relay For Life

Official press release from The National Foundation of Teachers Favoring Freedom of Thought and Speech (NFTFFTS)

Moonbeam McKenzie, the head professor of Women's Studies and Literary Criticism at The University of Georgia at Athens spoke today about the upcoming boycott of the Relay for Life event scheduled for May 2nd.

"We are disturbed to find out that this supposed institution of free thought and higher learning is holding a so-called 'Relay for Life' event. In reality, it should be called 'The Relay For Death and Uteri Imprisonment.' Even in 2009 the Patriarchy is working overtime to deny women full autonomous relationships between themselves and their vaginas. Even more disturbing is the fact the university is allowing speech that is in opposition to typical lessons taught at this formerly great university. For the good of the students such ideas must not be heard."

When told that The Relay For Life is a benefit to raise money for breast cancer research at the UGA women's health center, McKenzie gave a 50 minute lecture about the history of patriarchal oppression in the United States, before adding "It's typical a man would change the story at the last minute to make a strong, independent, bisexual feminist professor look bad."

McKenzie bravely offered to put a bullet in the heads of all students who still disagree with her at the end of the semester. "Giving you an 'F' for blindly parroting things you've heard your fuckhead conservative parents say is letting you off easy." When asked what kind of gun she'd use, her face went blank and she left the stage in silence.

McKenzie could not be reached for further comment.


written: April 29th, 2009


Yeah, I added a few paragraphs since I first posted this, mainly to make the joke clearer. I had an English professor who always gave us stupid assignments, mostly in the hopes we can learn to use pop culture to, in her own words "become better revolutionaries" She was a radical feminist Marxist, so you can imagine that any and everything was a huge conspiracy to keep her down.

Anyway, I always avoided politics with her, so I managed to get A's but not all students were so lucky. I don't even remember the assignment, but she singled out one paper (but not the author) for ridicule because this person dared to say America's founding fathers were great men. She said, face red and spit flying off her lips "NO, NO, NO, they were NOT. You need to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and start thinking for yourself!"

I was tempted to raise my hand and ask "So the only way we can think for ourselves is if all of us become little clones of you?" But my desire to make an A won out over principles. This press release is an attempt to undo some of my cowardice. Also, I post this explanation to let parents know that the typical college professor thinks this way, so you may want to keep that in mind before wasting money on your children's "higher education."

(Of course, in retrospect, I probably should have asked if blindly quoting Howie Zinn constituted thinking for ourselves. But I think we all know the answer without asking it.)


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